A healthy relationship is not about only happy moments, but also small fights and conflicts no matter how compatible you might be with your partner.
These conflicts often teach partners about each other’s triggers and insecurities. Sometimes anger gets the best of all of us and in efforts to say the right thing; we can end up making things worse by saying exactly what the other person doesn’t need to hear.
What are the things we easily say, but which garner the worst replies? Read more below to learn the things you should never say to someone- even if you’re angry.
“You’re Overreacting”
This is one of the most destructive phrases you can utter to someone. To you, it might feel like the person is overreacting or you think you’re providing a reality check or offering a different perspective but in truth, you’re dismissing their emotions. At worst, it can be considered gas-lighting. No one wants to be judged for how they experience things. Instead of dismissing someone’s reaction, try acknowledging their feelings and discussing the matter at hand calmly and respectfully.
“You always…” or “You never…”
Using absolutes like always and never can make your partner feel attacked and it takes the focus away from the issue at hand to a personal attack. ‘You’re always late.’ ‘You never put away the laundry.’ ‘You never understand my point of view.’ When you use these phrases, it tends to point an inaccurately negative picture of the person you’re arguing with and doesn’t make your statement any more or less true. Focusing, on specific situations is important rather than generalizing your partner’s behavior. Draw their attention to the way their actions made you feel. Example: ‘it hurts my feelings when you interrupt me’ instead of ‘you always interrupt me.’
“You’re just like your …”
Comparing your partner to their mother or father or anyone whose name might be a trigger for them- especially if the comparison is intended to be negative or critical is pretty guaranteed to escalate the argument. It’s actually a version of name-calling. This phrase can make the other person feel pigeonholed and can bring deep-seated family issues that they may be struggling with.
“Why can’t you be more like…?”
This one is hurtful because it’s based on comparison. Comparing your partner to someone else is never a good idea. This is a blatant expression of unhealthy competition and can be detrimental to their self-esteem. It can cause them to become highly self conscious and reserved you and create feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
“You need to calm down”
Worlds like ‘Calm down,’ ‘relax,’ ‘chill,’ ‘stop,’ or ‘don’t get so defensive,’ can make people feel like they have to stop expressing exactly how they feel. If and when your partner is angry, it’s better to let them vent it out. When you tell a person to stop, or hold up your hand to stop them from talking, you make the situation worse. Replace it with ‘I want to understand where you’re coming from. Can you explain to me why you’re feeling upset?’ sometimes it’s really is as simple as that.
“Whatever” or “I don’t care”
Though it may seem harmless, the word ‘Whatever’ or saying ‘it doesn’t matter’ is a dismissive term that can cause significant damage in a heated conversation. Although you may not realize the damage done by these words, it signals indifference and can come across as disrespectful. Although you don’t mean it when you say you don’t care, it might have an undesirable effect on your partner and can make the other person feel invalidated or dismissed.
It’s important to remember that when a person is angry or upset there are underlying emotions that are more prevalent. Recognize that behind anger there is a vulnerable emotion- this can include disappointment or sadness. Try to target those emotions instead of anger. Once the storm passes and both parties are ready to talk- this is the time feel all your feelings, lower your defenses and listen with an open mind.
